Late-Night Besieged-By-Cat-Meows Nothing-To-Do-Ness

Well, well, well. The large gaps in my posting history seem to suggest that my life really isn’t all that interesting and surely doesn’t deserve its own blog in any case.

While that may or may not hold true, here I am, typing away, relating to a nameless and somewhat illusory audience small anecdotes from my daily life that I have deemed “interesting” or “worth noting.”

It’s been, what, two months since my last post?

From what I can recall, nothing of much consequence has occurred in the past two months. I started a second job, at a tanning salon in a gym, which doesn’t pay much, but I needed something to supplement my pet store income and the salon is so slow most days that I get the majority of my school work done there. Two birds with one stone, as they say.

My little fur baby, Cleo, is about nine months old now and in the height of her “annoying” stage. Not only is she now cycling through week-long bouts of feline estrus (AKA my cat is in heat) but she has also accustomed herself to incessant meowing whenever she wants anything. Literally. When she is hungry, meow. When she is bored, meow. When she wants a door opened, meow. When someone is nearby, meow. When no one is around, meow. When everyone is sleeping, meow. When everyone is awake, meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. It just doesn’t stop.

I have also reached a frightening conclusion: I am almost certain my roommates hate me. Or at least dislike my presence. If you asked me how I knew this, I could not provide you with any facts, statements, or even any concrete events that have provoked this assumption. I suppose it is more of a brewing awareness rather than an authentic certainty.

It’s almost 10 PM. Will is working an overnight shift tonight, just like he did last night. Last night was a terrible night. I’ve learned that I don’t fend well alone in a house at night. I do have my cat, this much is true, but I sincerely doubt Cleo would put up much of a fight in the case of an intruder. She’d much sooner cower under the bed than wield a weapon in my defense. In any case, it took me several hours just to fall asleep because any small noise resulted in a small heart attack on my part which would simmer down just in time for the next small noise to occur.

Take a guess at what woke me up two hours before my alarm went off? Go ahead. Take a jab at it. Meow.

You got it. My cat’s relentless meowing woke me up long before I needed to be awake, and kept me awake until my alarm sounded, beeping to the sardonic tune of rotten luck. The same tune that seems to narrate the threadbare pages of my humdrum life…well, perhaps I make it sound much worse than it is. My life isn’t nearly as boring as I just made it out to be, but in my late-night besieged-by-cat-meows nothing-to-do-ness, I want and rightly deserve something trivial to complain about.

 

New Release! CASTAWAY! Starring: Me?

Do you ever have one of those days where you start thinking, “wow, I am a really horrible person?”

That is me, today.

While it may not be extremely apparent from the general way that I act, I actually am a serious Christian. I love church, I love the Bible, I love God, and I generally love other Christian people. Even though I love it so much, I’m actually really bad at being a Christian.

Anyways, I’ve been lurking around on this church in the area’s webpage for a while, and I figured today was as good a Sunday as any other to give the church a go. Now, I’m really very picky when it comes to churches because I seem to judge every church by the standards of my home church back in Washington, which I love very much and (at one point) was very involved in until…well, that’s a whole other cup of tea right there. Basically, I tend to like churches more if they remind me of my home church.

Let’s start by saying South Carolina is very, VERY different from Seattle, Washington. Especially when it comes to church. However, this church wasn’t too far off. It had just enough “contemporary” to it to remind me of back home. All the guys on the worship team had comb-overs and flannel button-ups on and everyone walked in with Starbucks in hand–even their video announcements were something you might see at my home church. So, on my first try, I found a church “west-coasty” enough for my tastes. Gold star for me.

How funny is it that the first time I come to visit this church, I’m completely alone (of course, due to the fact that I moved 3,500 miles from home and know absolutely no one except for my boyfriend who works all the time) and the sermon just happens to be on loneliness and good friendships.

So here this pastor is, telling us all what qualities a good friend has, and asking us if our current friends reflect these qualities. Here I am thinking, wait, so what if I don’t have any friends

When I say I don’t have any friends, I’m not exaggerating. I really don’t. And any good friends I have had in the past, I drove away with alarming force. When I think of the kind of friends that this pastor was describing–the kind that lift you up, encourage you, look past your imperfections, defend you, respect you, are honest with you even if it hurts–I can only think of two people who ever fit that description. But I can also think of a ton of others who tried to be that kind of friend and failed–not because of anything they did, but because I wasn’t willing to let them. So these two people I’m talking about…let’s call them “Les” and “Jim.”

Les and Jim were absolutely the best friends I’ve ever had. They were both Christians, they both were very encouraging and truthful, respectful and wise, honest and reliable…they were always there for me even when I didn’t deserve it. They always told me what I needed to hear even if I didn’t want to hear it. They were all-around GREAT people.

You know something? I’m not friends with Les or Jim anymore. You know why? Because I am a horrible person. I ruined these friendships. I damaged them beyond repair. Les and Jim both even tried to keep our friendships from completely falling apart, and I just walked away, treating them both like absolute crap on the way out the door.

Les was my first “real” friend after I became a Christian. He was one of the first people I learned I could talk to about my beliefs. He was the first person who didn’t judge me or ridicule me or try to change me. He just accepted who I was, lifted up the good parts of me and encouraged me to be the best “me” I could be. You know what I did? I used him as a person to complain to, to vent to, and to lash out at. He got the worst of me. I lied to him. I completely disappeared on him at one point. While he was busy being the great person he was, I was wasting his time and energy by being the worst person I could possibly be.

Jim was my next closest friend. He was similar to Les in character and I think that’s what drew me to him. But, I also treated him similarly. I blamed him for many of my wrong-doings and often led him on and subsequently wasted his time and energy as well, and not to mention breaking his heart at quite the same time.

I hurt both of these friends and their families by being reckless and selfish.

So, all of this is going through my head while this pastor is talking about what a good friendship should look like. I’m thinking about all of these people, not just Les and Jim, who have spent so much time and effort on me, talking to me and listening to me and helping me and leading me and building me up, just to watch me turn on them and undo everything they’ve attempted to teach me.

Now I’m 3,500 miles away from all of these people who have likely long since forgotten about me and all the hurt I caused them. I wish I could send them all these grand apologies, but mostly I think it wouldn’t matter, and the people probably don’t care to hear it after all this time.

So after all my selfishness, all the people I’ve hurt have ended up moving on with their lives, and I’m the one who is left with the mess, the pain, and the loneliness.

Waking Up To Good News

Good news! After a frightening three weeks of being jobless, this morning I received a very exciting phone call! Yesterday I had an interview at a small pet store and this morning they called to inform me that they would be glad to offer me the position–and I took it! It’s just a part-time job but I am really excited because I think working at a pet store will be really fun and also very informative for me as a new kitty mom! I’m also excited to finally have a reason to get out of the house. With Will working twelve hours a day, being at home alone all day has gotten a little dull. I need something to occupy my time! I don’t have much else to add–just wanted to inform the world wide web of my exciting news!

Lions and Tigers and…Kittens?! Oh my!

Wow! It has been quite some time since my last post and so much has conspired since then! I quit both my jobs, was forced to quit school, packed up all of my belongings into my tiny vehicle, drove across the entire continental United States, and for the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been happily settling in to my new home in South Carolina.

Christmas was very low-key. It was just Will and me at the house as our roommates were home for the holidays. We had a quiet Christmas morning opening our gifts for each other, and then went to a friends house for a relaxed Christmas dinner.

New Years was of a similar color. On New Years eve, Will, me, our roommate and his girlfriend, drove to the ocean to watch a small firework show, and then we headed back to the house to have some drinks and retired to our rooms shortly after.

Perhaps the most exciting thing that’s happened so far since my move is my recent acquisition of a cute and cuddly feline friend. I decided to bring home a beautiful little six-month-old girl kitten who was being sold by a family who, in my opinion, had far too many pets for their small apartment. She is gorgeous! I have named her Cleo (or as I like to call her–Cleopurrtra), after Cleopatra, because we’ve all agreed she has a sort of “regal Egyptian” look to her. She is my new obsession.

In the end, settling in has been quite easy. Will has made everything very simple. All I can say is that I am happy and I am excited to see what the coming months bring for me in my new home.

Lessons From The Moon

I’ve had some thoughts weighing heavy on my heart lately and today I finally had a small revelation of sorts.

Ever since I turned 18 and started really making my own choices, paying my own bills, financing my own lifestyle, and all-around growing up I suppose, I’ve steadily become more and more frustrated by the world around me. Frustrated mostly by how centered our planet is on money and numbers, college degrees and letters following your name, and how life on Earth has essentially become a huge competition.

In high school, people were constantly being judged on their appearance, their clothes, their hair… The hallways were like a runway and if you weren’t representing the hottest trend you got kicked aside, so everyone was always fussing about like looking good was the only thing that really mattered.

I’d hoped the constant judgement would end as soon as I took my diploma and got the heck out of there. But, nowadays, instead of clothes everyone is being criticized on numbers–SAT scores, credit scores, bank account balances, years of experience, age… My younger brother who just graduated high school had a job interview recently and afterwards he told me that the woman he interviewed with told him he was up against “someone with five years of customer service under his belt, so what makes him, with little experience, better for the job?” It’s a logical question, but it’s unfortunate that employers only view the people they may potentially hire in terms of what “stuff” they have written on their resume. Really–a piece of paper can make or break someone’s chance to get a job. What about viewing these people in terms of character? Maybe that other guy has been serving soda to thirsty consumers for 5 years, but my brother is smart, level-headed, impossibly respectful, full of integrity and extremely passionate about anything he sets his mind to. But, here he is, being judged by the fact that “5 years of customer service” isn’t written on his resume. This is just one example of many.

The idea that so many people can be unappreciated, neglected, ignored, unacknowledged, and unfairly judged just really–for lack of a more appropriate way to explain this–SUCKS! It sometimes makes me wonder why I, and others like me, bother to fight so hard to succeed in this flawed society.

Anyways, tonight I was driving home from work, a voyage that usually only takes about an hour. On this particular night however, traffic was very, very backed up. My one hour drive became a three hour drive. After some initial whining, I decided to turn on some worship, sit back, and utilize my time in the worst traffic I’ve ever seen. I try to listen to worship music when I can but I rarely get the opportunity to actually worship. Tonight, however, since I was at a complete standstill for over an hour, I had some time to turn it up and really get into it. Just then, I happened to glance up into the sky and I saw the most beautiful view of the moon. Just gorgeous. Not often you get a nice, clean, vibrant view of anything in the sky during the Fall and Winter months in Seattle.

That’s when it hit me! The reason I fight so hard now, the reason I deal with all the judgement and ridicule this society has to offer, is because I’m on my way to a place completely free of judgement and loaded with one thing: love. I’m on my way to a place that is forever in the presence of a God who doesn’t care what you scored on the SAT, who doesn’t care if you had to declare bankruptcy, who doesn’t care if you were a janitor or a CEO. If I have to deal with this place for a little while in order to get to that place, then so be it.

It’s funny how in the midst of all the brake lights, honking horns, and crazy pedestrians, God found me and gave me a little nugget of inspiration to keep me going. And all I had to do was turn up the music a little louder.

“What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” – Matthew 16:26

‘Cause You Know I’d Drive 3,500 Miles If I Could Just See You

Wow! The past few weeks have been excessively hectic but still thoroughly, unbelievably wonderful.

I’m doing something totally crazy. Though, when am I not making completely reckless, ahem, bold and venturesome decisions? Today it is officially official that I am moving to South Carolina to live with Will. I mean, it’s not so crazy, but the idea of it is a bit intimidating. I’m packing up and setting out in my tiny, little car in exactly 20 days. I’ll be driving approximately 3,500 miles, accompanied by my brother and, surely, several of his wacky mix CDs. I’m hoping to reach my new Southern home in 4-5 days, but the best part is that I will definitely arrive in time to spend Christmas with my boyfriend.

In the next month, my entire life is going to change! The East coast is so different from the West. On my last trip to South Carolina, I noticed things like different generic brands at the grocery store, different grocery stores altogether, different gas stations, lack of sidewalks and crosswalks but an abundance of palm trees…the list goes on. Things are just different there, and that’s going to be the hardest part.

However, I’m not sure what I’ll exactly miss about the Pacific Northwest. Obviously, it’s my home. I grew up here and I’ve lived here my entire life–all over it. I’m going to miss the city life of Seattle, the coffee, the rain, the fashion…I might even miss the Downtown traffic. I’ll miss a few of the people, mostly my family, but I know I’ll visit often and it’s not like I’ll be living on the East coast forever. I just sincerely hope I can find some place else besides Starbucks to get myself some coffee. Above all, I am most terrified that over the coming months I will forget what a good cup of coffee tastes like. You’ve got big shoes to fill, South Carolina. Big. Shoes.

Everyone keeps telling me I’m crazy and they think I’m doing the wrong thing by moving across the country for a boy. Well, I don’t think this move is entirely for the boy. I’ve always been the one with itchy feet–I’ve already lived in 4 different states, what’s another one on the list? I move around almost every six months. I’m always up to something new. It’s about time I get myself out of town and start again somewhere else. Will just happens to be a very pleasant added bonus!

All in all, I’m terribly excited and there is sure to be copious insanity occurring in the next few weeks and probably the next few months, as well! Here’s to a successful move!

A Lazy Day in Carolina

It’s my second evening in South Carolina! Things are going very well thus far on my little vacation. Last time I visited, I had to stay in a hotel, but since then Will has moved into his own house (with two lovely roommates) and so I get to stay with him this time around. The house is on the Navy base and looks the same as every house around it. It reminds me of my Idaho days when I lived in a house in a similarly duplicate set up.

When I finally flew in yesterday morning, I was greeted at the airport by Will and one of his roommates whom I’d met on my previous trip. We loaded in my luggage and then headed off to a little chain restaurant that I was unfamiliar with as a Westerner called Waffle House. We all had a little breakfast/lunch and then continued on back to Will’s house. After getting settled in, Will and I finally got a little private time and I got a nap in (I’d been awake since the previous morning since I’d been unable to sleep on my overnight flight.)

Later, when his roommates got home, we all had some dinner and watched some television, had some drinks, and finally it was off to bed with us. This morning was a luxurious one–it’s been a long time since I’ve got to really sleep in, and the best part was I got to have Will by my side for every second of it! We stayed in bed for the duration of the morning, up until Will had to head out for work, at least. While all the boys were at work, I decided to order in some Chinese food, something you can’t do where I’m from, so I went ahead and ordered some things from a close-by place for delivery. To my surprise, when it finally showed up and I opened the bag, the portions they gave me were huge! Enough to feed four people, probably. So there I was, sitting at the dining room table, all by myself, with a colossal Chinese smorgasbord in front of me.

I took another nap earlier, was almost ruthlessly attacked by a bug in my bed, and here I am now, awaiting Will’s return from work. We have tentative plans to go out for a nice dinner tonight. I’m very excited because everyone has been saying the seafood here is fantastic–let’s see if they can compare with the seafood we serve on the Sound!

Long Distance Boyfriends Are Great Excuses For Frequent Vacations

Tomorrow is the day! I’m headed to South Carolina again for a lovely 10-day vacation to see my boyfriend. It’s been exactly 7 weeks since the last time I saw him, so I am terribly excited and I can hardly sit still. I have a 6-hour shift at work to get through tomorrow–it’s going to go by unbearably slow, I already know it–and then I’m on my way.

I have found that I can’t seem to fit all my things in a suitcase this time around. I hate packing. I always overpack, but I know there is something I will regret not bringing if I leave it at home, and I never know what it might be! So I just pack my whole closet! I also have to find a way to pack all my textbooks and things for school, unfortunately. The last time I went to South Carolina, classes weren’t in session. This time I’m not so lucky.

Currently, nothing too exciting is going on in my day-to-day life, and thus my focus lately has mostly been on my trip. 33 hours to go and counting down!

I’ll try to post a quick update here and there while I’m down South, but odds are I’ll be pretty busy!

 

Boy Falls For Girl, Girl Runs Away And Gets a Haircut

A few interesting things have conspired the past couple of days.

Firstly, a good (male) friend of mine seems to have professed his love for me. Now, there happens to be some back story to this, which I will let you all in on. About a year ago, well, almost exactly a year ago, I dropped out of bible college (yeah, I know, bible college?) and probably the only decent thing I left that campus with was a solid new friendship with my aforementioned pal. At the time, I was dating a different guy who, some would say, didn’t treat me right and consequently didn’t deserve my unfaltering love and affection. By “some” I mean my bible college cohort, who, even in the early stages of our friendship, made it clear that a platonic relationship was not his ultimate intention. He was constantly on my case about dating the guy I was seeing and always giving me reason after reason why I should end things with him. He even, on multiple occasions, has referred to my previous relationship as an “abusive” one, which I can assure everyone that it was not in any way, shape, or form. I’m unsure why, as my friend, he couldn’t have let it be, but, in any case, my former love interest and I did end up breaking it off for good. (Enter Will!)

In the time period between the demise of my previous relationship and the glorious beginnings of my relationship with Will, my peculiar friend does and says absolutely nothing that would indicate he was trying to make a move. We spent a total of maybe four hours together over the entire time span. No flirty text messages, no awkward grabs for my hand when we did hang out together, nothing at all. While these gestures wouldn’t have been met with the same coquetry I assume he thought he was displaying, I would have expected them before the uncomfortable conversation we had the other day.

The text conversation begins with my friend expressing that he doesn’t want me to move across the country to live with Will (which I am next month!) and that had it not been for my ex-boyfriend, I would have surely spent so much more time with him hiking and fishing and doing all these other random activities. He goes on to say that I “have no idea how much he wanted to win my heart” and says the idea of me being with my ex “makes his blood boil.” After a series of awkward responses like, “I’m sorry,” “:/,” and “what’s done is done,” we get to the juiciest part of the conversation.

After asking me if I felt weird about him saying those things, I simply say “I don’t know…” and receive this in response:

You literally had nothing to say about anything we discussed last night.. It didn’t weird you out, make you think, or anything..!

The conversation continued as follows…

Me: I don’t know we’ve basically already talked about that stuff before..

Him: And you never ever have any feed back:/ you just fall asleep and the next day it’s like I never poured my heart out to you at all… Not since Japan have you really opened up to me or had a deep conversation with me. [Note: By "Japan," he is referring to a trip he went on over 6 months ago.]

Me: I literally did fall asleep yesterday though….I was sick….

Him: I knowwwww. But I’ve brought it up several times ): Not just last night.

Me: Well I don’t know what to say! I’m sorry you feel the way you feel but there is nothing I can or will do about it! We are just friends now! And you can’t blame this on Will! He’s a perfect gentleman, he treats me like a princess, he never tells me what I can and cannot do. He doesn’t yell at me or say rude things. He’s honestly a really, really great, trustworthy, honest, reliable, interesting and loving person. So you can’t blame it on my boyfriend this time.

Him: You hardly know him. You have a ways to go before you discover his faults. And I’m not mad about that. I’m just . I don’t understand how you were the way you were when I was in Japan and suddenly it’s gone. What happened to me being your “rock”. We were so close….

Me: I know Will better than you think. And time passed, things changed. You were that person for me, but romantically I was involved with [my ex-boyfriend] and so it made it complicated for us. But now that person is Will…but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be close…we just can’t be romantic. 

Him: What did Will ever do for you?

Me: What do you mean?

Him: What did he ever do for you? Why is he your knight in shining armor or whatever…
[Note: This is where I stopped and said, what the--? Why does it matter? I don't have to have some glorious explanation for why I am romantically interested in Will and not him, am I right?]
Where was he when you were in an abusive relationship?? I just feel left behind in the dust. And it really hurts…

At this point I went off on him and sent him a quite lengthy text message involving a large amount of profanity.

Me: Sorry if that was harsh.

Him: It’s whatever.

Me: K. Gnight.

Him: /: I’m sorry… Don’t do that “k” thing..):

Me: I really am going to sleep though 

Him: Okay I . Just don’t want you to go to sleep mad at me :/ It feels like how it was sometimes when we’d talk about [your ex-boyfriend] and I upset you. I hated that. [Note: No duh I hated it! He was constantly saying bad things to me about the guy I was dating! Who likes that?!]

Me: Well I’m not mad at you I’m just trying to make you understand that Will is a great guy and he’s not like [my ex-boyfriend] and you don’t have to hate him…

Him: I don’t hate him. I’m extremely jealous of him.

Me: Well don’t get mad at me for that.

Him: Like… It seemed like finally maybe we could have something and POOF there’s this other guy. I was super excited for the day you’d be available again and ugh. [Note: WHAT?! Put aside the fact that I wasn't even interested in the first place, but if he was so "excited" for the day I'd be single, then why didn't he do something about it when I WAS?!]

Me: I’m sorry…

Him: I know… I just. Fuck. Always imagined falling in love with my best friend. And you were pretty much that. Then I developed feelings for you. So I guess I got a little too hopeful.

End of conversation. I didn’t reply, and we haven’t talked since. Honestly, I’m not really sure how to react to a situation like this one. He was a great friend and it’s terrible to lose his friendship, but it’s unfair to him for me to hang around when he’s apparently so head-over-heels for me and I’m just not interested, and it’s unfair to me for him to dally around continually bashing on anyone I ever have feelings for just because they aren’t him.

So that is the big news of the week, aside, of course, from my spectacular new hair cut. Here’s a link to a picture I posted to my Twitter account

Tonight I have a tattoo consultation appointment at this lovely tattoo parlor in North Seattle. I’m looking forward to finishing up some prior body art in the Emerald City before I head off to the Dirty South in December!

 

Catching Up

I’ve recently revamped this blog since I lost focus and felt it wasn’t evolving the way I’d hoped. In order to keep everyone updated, I’m going to post below some snippets of the more important updates that got deleted, all involving a very wild, romantic, and completely spontaneous trip across the country.

Posted on September 4th, 2013:

I feel as though I have reached the farthest, deepest, most terrifying moment in my entire life to date. In a matter of hours, I have become a homeless and desperately confused young woman. My 11-month relationship and comfortable home have disappeared entirely. I am left facing an entire lifetime without a hint of what is to come.

I started this journey under the guise of a beautiful love story. Five years ago, under the unrelenting sun of an Idahoan summer, a quietly clever and exquisitely tanned boy walked into my life for the long haul–though we didn’t know it then. As the older brother of my younger brother’s best friend, he was officially off limits. However, in those days, I had no regard for the rules. In a small, rural town of no more than 200 residents, we had the glimmering lakes and high-rising trees as our playground. I had meant to spend only a week in paradise, but I pushed back the deadline every morning when I woke up. Always another day to spend with my dark, handsome Romeo.

I didn’t know that I loved him then. Fifteen is such a tender age. Everything seems beautiful and nothing seems unattainable. The world had not yet savagely bared to me it’s teeth.

A lesson I was soon to learn was that everything that begins must have an ending and that what goes up must come down. I eventually had to leave him behind. Summer was over. I had no choice but to say goodbye. The deadline could be postponed no longer.

The last time I saw him, on August 20th, 2008, he was wearing his oversized denim jacket that I’d grown to love. He drove me to the edge of town, and beneath the same gleaming sun that witnessed our first touch, our first kiss, and a chain of other firsts, he sang to me.

We had promised that we would see each other again. No matter where we were or what we were doing with our lives, at some point in time we would find each other again.

That promise is slowly becoming the most important promise I’ve ever made.

Here I am now, a little over 5 years into the future. I’ve finished school, worked, dated other people…I’ve lived my life. He has done the same. He went to college, spent a year in Spain, joined the US Navy. Few words were spoken between either of us in the years that have passed. But perhaps true love requires no words at all?

My future self was in a somewhat happy relationship with a nice boy, living with him, about to start a year of college with him, essentially as committed as I could be.

And then it happened. He popped back up. A glimmer of a thought in my mind turned into a brief text message, and a brief text message turned into an emotionally charged confession: “I have been in love with you for 5 years.”

To which I received this response:

Pretty sure I’ve been in love with you since you walked out of your house with the smiley face shirt on. I kinda assumed I’d ask you to marry me one day. I still believe that. I don’t know when but someday.

What? How? When? After 5 years, 2 countries, several other women, an entirely different life, how could this perfectly created man still love me? How could I still love him? How was it possible that though miles and miles had separated us for years, we both still retained the feelings we had first felt during a hot summer over 1,800 days ago?

I was in too far by now. I couldn’t get myself out of this even for all the money in the world.

Needless to say, my boyfriend left me and kicked me out of his house.

I also have a plane ticket that will take me 3,000 miles across the country, where a quietly clever and exquisitely tanned man waits for me.

Is this the great and wonderful love story it seems to be? I feel like a princess in a Disney story. I’m incredibly sad, scared, and crazy due to the events that have transpired in these last few days. The life I knew like the back of my hand is no longer the life I face when I look forward. I am sad that I’ve lost such a dear friend. I am scared that I am walking into a life of hopping from couch to couch, wondering where I will lay my head each night. I’m crazy for giving up everything I had for a man I haven’t seen in 5 years who told me he still loves me.

Through the darkest moments in my life, through the constant turmoil and stresses I face each hour, each day, each year, there is one thing I have never forgotten and never stopped believing in: the power of love. I’ve never been the one to listen to the logic of my mind. No, I’ve been the foolish one who follows the whims of her heart. I’m a firm believer that if you risk nothing, you will gain nothing. There is no reward in remaining static.

My mind would’ve told me to stop, to get out, to not follow through with the want and desire, but my heart leapt out of my chest and decided to go after him itself, risking everything for the only thing that matters.

Real, true love that spans miles, survives years, and needs no words.

Posted on September 17th, 2013:

I made it to Charleston, South Carolina early this morning, after a grueling day of work and two languid flights.

He was there waiting for me.

I hurried off the plane and made my way to baggage claim basically running. He was outside parking the car. I walked back and forth, back and forth, what felt like a hundred times waiting for him to walk through those doors.

And then he did.

I saw his Navy uniform from a distance and I stopped mid-step, covered my giant idiotic smile I couldn’t help with both my hands, and slowly walked toward the so familiar yet so strange figure walking towards me with an equally animated smile plastered across his face.

He looks the same. He’s still that same boy I fell in love with all those years ago just a little more grown up. He traded his bandanas for his camo. He still has that gorgeous smile, beautiful laugh, and God, is he shy as ever. Just like always. His mouth is quiet but those eyes say it all.

I’m currently awaiting his release from his work day at a little Starbucks in North Charleston. Being alone in this strange city, a whole entire country away from the places that I’m used to, is frankly kind of terrifying. It’s also exciting. Everything is different! The people are different–the way they act, talk, walk, dress. The environment is completely different–the weather, the bugs, the streets, the stores. It’s quite a culture shock here!

Will and I have discussed briefly the idea of me moving here in the near future (assuming things, you know, work out between us this coming week.) Being stuck in this city for only one day has already got me scared. It’s HOT. Maybe not for these people–they are all walking around in pants and sweaters! But for a North West girl like me, this muggy 75 degrees is killer!

I’m quite nervous to meet Will’s friends. Apparently he’s mentioned me a lot to them and I’m afraid to disappoint. I hope William didn’t build me up to be this amazing, beautiful person because that’s how he remembers me from all those years ago, just for me to show up being this awkward, never-says-the-right-thing-at-the-right-time kind of girl with frizz-ball hair. I hope they are all nice and easy going, and I’m sure they will be because that’s exactly the type of person Will is.

For now I’m just going to focus on curling up with him tonight, watching the season premiere of New Girl, and chatting over a few glasses of wine. After all, we have a lot of years to cover.

Posted on September 24th, 2013:

This past month has thrown plot twist after plot twist at me full force. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me I’d be doing what I’m doing right now.

I can hardly believe that I just spent a week with Will. After 5 lingering years, he became more of an idea of a person rather than a real person at all. He was a dream, a distant memory of better times; a story I told my friends in those sleepy, exposing conversations in the middle of the night at a slumber party. But, all of a sudden, there he was, standing in front of me. The living, breathing, warm to the touch physical manifestation of the man I always dreamt about.

The first day we were quiet and goofy. Neither of us could say much, probably due half to shock and half to shyness. All it took was a kiss to prove that I wasn’t in a dream and it was really him. It took us both back to the way things used to be.

I can barely even recount the week I spent in South Carolina, partially because it flew by so quickly, but also because I was so focused on Will and so entranced by Will that I could hardly see anything else. I swear I just stared at him for hours. I spent every night securely tangled in his arms. I fell even deeper into love with him whenever he smiled. We got matching tattoos and shared many bottles of wine.

I’ve always had this sense that there was something more I should be doing in my life, something more that was meant for me. Now I know why–it is him. It’s always been him. I’ve been waiting and waiting in ignorance. I’ve been wondering and wondering why I’ve always felt that something was missing. It’s because I need him.

We spent a lot of time in the hotel room just talking and telling each other all the highlights from the past 5 years. We talked about high school, college, Spain for him, Oregon for me. We told each other the funny stories and the weird stories. We summarized everywhere our lives and taken us en route to that moment when we could finally be together again.

With Will being in the Navy, it makes us being together a little complicated. But I know we can make it work. I would walk to the ends of the Earth for this man, and I’ll be ready for any plot twist Life tries to throw at me this time. Life is tricky, but Love conquers all.